People Aren't Born They're Made- part 2

The Lead Domino

#GrowGirl

Did you know the lead domino doesn’t actually have to be the first one? That if dominos are not perfectly aligned the tap of the first domino might only take out a few others. The chain reaction we look forward to in the domino effect is actually caused by what they call the lead domino, the domino whose placement was so precise and aligned that just the tap of it would cause a chain of events that gain momentum with increasing force and nothing is left the same.

I’m not so sure the lead domino in my story was actually the first lie, but that lie did make me vulnerable to the lead domino. For the sake of this possibly public story we will call him Romeo. Romeo was precisely placed and perfectly aligned to meet me shortly after I grabbed ahold of the original lie. Maybe it was the fact that his skin was nearly as bright as the sun too or maybe it was that truth be told he was kind of an odd ball as well, I’m not sure what made me fall for Romeo but I so desperately needed to feel beautiful and to some extent he gave me that. I was so desperate, so thirsty to feel like I was enough, that when he gave me even the slightest sip of satisfaction I was hooked. From that very first moment, to the moment I gave him everything I had and even a few moments after that I was like an addict, unable to see what was happening to me and too internally abusive to truly care.

I remember seeing him in the hall, I thought he looked so cute in his nerdy uniform sweater vest, now that I think of it, that vest and the mouth full of metal he had, truly should have been enough to cause me to completely look the other way, but instead I stared and I smirked and internally a kaleidoscope of butterflies suddenly appeared in my stomach. Who was he?

I had to know, It was almost like he was a neon sign that caused everything around him to appear much more dull. They say curiosity killed the cat and although I’m not so sure death was the imminent goal myself and the cat certainly did not have the best judgement that’s for sure. So I found a way to know him, I’m not even sure how I actually found myself in his path but if my memory serves me right I ended up in that same hall at the same time with him and no one else was around.

I’ll spare you and myself a lot of the details but that curiosity lead me to a rollercoaster of a relationship over the next two years, I’d break up with him, then he’d break up with me but I must confess he was like Kryptonite, nothing mattered if it meant getting to him, I’m sure his mother thought I was a boy crazy hussy that wouldn’t leave her son alone but I had actually never been in that position before, I had never had a kiss, never even dialed the phone number of a boy before him. I would so ignorantly give him a long list of first that I could never get back.

THE DAY I SOLD MY SOUL

I tell you, before he came around, I was never the child to get in trouble, the most sneaking I did was to hide a flashlight under my bed so I could read after my mother told me lights out. However, on this particular day though the young innocent girl that I use to be had been long gone, two years gone and in that moment it seemed like a lifetime before. So I invited him over, no one was home, so I could sneak him in, but we weren’t even together, so why was I doing this? He had spent the last two years “soiling his royal oats” constantly leaving and coming back but I’d be a liar if I said I just sat around waiting, nope that was not the case, I had to make him jealous of course, but I can honestly say I don’t remember any guy meaning anything to me other than him. So there he was in my home, in my room where he wasn’t supposed to be, telling me the lies that I so easily believed, but all that mattered was that I wanted him back, and although a part of me knew that the things he said were only based on what he wanted to do to me, I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity, I told him that he would have to call the girl he was currently dating and break up with her if we were “going to do this”. How weak and insecure of me, to be so selfish that I would inflict my pain on someone else’s daughter like that, but I did, and he did. He called her privately from my home phone and ended it with her, so now I was forced to do it, I couldn’t back out now right? I didn’t realize I still had the right to say no, so I laid there and I let it happen and a part of me wanted to check out and a part of me had to make him think I was ok with this, but I wasn’t and the moment my pants were off and childhood was taken I was flooded with shame, I kid you not the act was not even over and all I could feel was shame. I laid the for next few moments until it was all over, I pulled myself together and walked him to the back door and I wanted to just cry, I felt used, naked, ashamed and oh so dirty but at least I had him back right…..WRONG. Shortly after I offered Romeo everything I had, for him to love me, he took back everything he said that day and broke up with me and returned to child he broke up with so that he could take advantage of me. And now we welcome worthlessness. So there I sat I had embraced the lie a long time ago and now I got to add shame and worthlessness to my identity. Although after my mother got involved, he would later offer me an apology for what he had done but worthlessness and shame would stick with me for years to come. The lead domino had fallen and a chain of events would follow with increasing force and much more momentum, but we will save that for another blog post but as for today, we release the shame and replace it with…..